Gratuitous self-esteem boosting.

http://comixed.com/2010/01/23/comics-comic-strip-yonkoma-a-historical-dialectic/

Honesty Is The Best Policy

Before I get rolling on my own soapbox on wheels, just a few shoutouts to my fellow fat Bloggers.

First of all, Debu-Chan. I want to thank you for coming right out and saying (and I'm paraphrasing, poorly) "some of us are fat, some of us aren't. If you are one of the ones who are not, kindly be polite and STFU about 'beeeeeing faaaat' around those of us who are.

Second of all, I bow down to the gutsiness of Witchy.
This week, she let it all hang out. That's right, she posted a picture. And not just a ballsy, "This is what I look like now" picture, but also a "this is what I used to / want to look like" picture.

Those are the kind of pictures I can't hack. Personally. My own pictures. When I look at a picture and all I see is double, double, double chin and no visible jaw line, I want to cry. I used to have collarbones that looked beautiful underneath a choker. I used to have a butt and a back and a stomach that didn't send me into a panic if a quarter inch of skin was visible to the general public. Now I would rather wear mom-jeans than reveal a smidge of my muffin top. The Pillsbury Dough Boy is pasty white and doughy-fat, and cute. Me? Not so much of the cute part there.

These shoutouts are indirect thankyous. So many times people beat around the bush. "I need to lose weight." "I hate how I look." "I need to exercise more." "I overeat." I think those are polite but generic ways of acknowledging something mildly annoying.
What is really true in most cases are super-heightened senses of pissed-off-ed-ness or anger or desperation.
When they say, "I need to lose weight," that really means, "I can't effing stand feeling fat and disgusting," and "I can't believe I've been this fat for this long."
When they say, "I hate how I look," they really mean, "I hate how I look dressed, naked, in the dark, in the light, under fluorescent lights, in a full length mirror, in a compact mirror..."
When they say, "I overeat," they say, "I am embarassed that I eat like a starved slaughterhouse hog."

At least, that's what I mean when I say the socially acceptable hackneyed phrases. Looking in a full-length mirror in a stage of undress makes me border on nervous breakdown. Looking at new pictures and trying to edit out my cleavage line (no lie) and seeing my face hiding under layers of fat. I sort of had cheekbones and a jaw line. Now I have a blob with crows feet.

So in my case, I need to be honest. It is 11:30, I didn't exercise tonight, and I am about to eat my 2nd plate of spaghetti as a late-night snack. I ate 2 plates of spaghetti, a peanut butter sandwich, and a bowl of soup earlier.



I am frustrated. I can't afford to go work out 3 times this week. I am hoping my check posts early so I can at least do it once this week. I am only working 8-12 hours a week at work. I am stressed out over the gross loss of pay and wondering how we will pay bills, how I will afford gas -- let alone gas for exercise and money for classes. I am with my son a considerable amount more, which is sometimes taxing but not so much. However, now that I am already stressed over the income situation, and I am at home more, I am stressed by his exuberance and constant demand for attention. Exercise is a great time for me to get away from my house 2 hours, burn some calories, but more importantly burn off all the anxious energy I amass over such a short period of time. Stress + less money + more time at home + less time alone + less exercise + more stress at home = eat, eat, eat.

I am hoping this is a temporary thing, that I will find an additional (or a new!) job. I am down to 174 pounds and holding steady. I don't want to lose the ground I've gained this far. I do want to continue to exercise, somehow.
I am going to take some new pictures to update from the last picture I posted.

But for now, spaghetti is calling me.

Goal Adjustment

Hello there oh fans of my pudge and happy new years. I finally figured out how much I weigh. I got a new scale a few weeks ago and discovered I actually was 177 pounds.
My secret goal was to be either 170 or *gasp* 169 by the new year.

Today is January 1st and no, I'm not quite at the 169 mark, but I haven't done too shabbily.

I am currently around 172 or 173, which means that all told I have lost about 20 pounds. I started tracking my food intake and weight on August 30th. At that point I weighed 192.4 pounds. In 4 months, I have lost 20 pounds. That means I have lost and steadily maintained my loss of just over 1 pound a week.

My husband's progress hasn't been as steady or consistent. He was 310 pounds when he started and had dropped about 20 pounds by the beginning of December, but he claims he has gained some since the onset of the holiday season. Regardless, this is the first he has been less than 300 pounds in many years.

I want to have a better attitude. I was just confessing to Witchy that I allow my time on the scale to depress me every day. It seems my attitude is either, "I lost weight, but a disappointing amount," or, "I haven't lost any weight at all." Instead, my attitude should be more like, "Thank gosh it's remaining steady," or "Holy Twinky, I haven't gained anything."
I would like to get to the point where I only weigh myself once a week.

My new weight loss goal is to get down to 170 pounds by the end of January. I think I can do it. Long term I would be pleased with 160, ecstatic with 150, and if I reached 140 the blog would end because I would have died from sheer fatass shock.


I would also like to improve upon my water intake. Right now I'm not necessarily looking to change my diet anymore - I just want to maintain my food intake with the point be to eat in moderation.

This year I don't want to have the attitude, "EVERYTHING NEEDS TO CHANGE NOW." I want to approach it from a more realistic standpoint of "I am doing X well, how can I maintain or improve upon this progress." I also need to work on adjusting my mental body image. In my brain, I think that I weigh what I did in college. The reality is, I was 142 pounds when I went to college, and I wasn't that when I left. Before I got pregnant I was 158 pounds. Realistically, I am almost 29, I have been out of college for almost 6 years, and I have had a child by c-section. My body does NOT look like what it did then, and it will likely never look like that again. I have grey hair, I have wrinkles, I have stretch marks albeit they've faded, and the weight on my body is distributed in different ways. Right now my goal should be to become healthy and maintain a healthy body weight. It isn't realistic to think I will be back in miniskirts. Ever. Again.

I want to maintain my exercise regimen of at least 2 zumba classes a week and hope to add walking or biking as the weather improves. I don't know that zumba will get me in Miss Universe shape but I do feel like it improves my attitude in terms of anxious eating and it kills time. My child will soon be at the age where it is able to ride a bike and hopefully we can take it with us to the park and make a lap or two before going to the playground.

I haven't been tracking my points but I feel like that contributes to food obsession, and I don't need to think about food more at this point.

My birthday is approaching, I will be 29. If you want to get me a present, I want sweatpants with an elastic waistband and a $100 gift card to Red Lobster.
Hey, I can start over in February. Until then cellulite cheerleaders, have a happy new year.