First of all, Debu-Chan. I want to thank you for coming right out and saying (and I'm paraphrasing, poorly) "some of us are fat, some of us aren't. If you are one of the ones who are not, kindly be polite and STFU about 'beeeeeing faaaat' around those of us who are.
Second of all, I bow down to the gutsiness of Witchy.
This week, she let it all hang out. That's right, she posted a picture. And not just a ballsy, "This is what I look like now" picture, but also a "this is what I used to / want to look like" picture.
Those are the kind of pictures I can't hack. Personally. My own pictures. When I look at a picture and all I see is double, double, double chin and no visible jaw line, I want to cry. I used to have collarbones that looked beautiful underneath a choker. I used to have a butt and a back and a stomach that didn't send me into a panic if a quarter inch of skin was visible to the general public. Now I would rather wear mom-jeans than reveal a smidge of my muffin top. The Pillsbury Dough Boy is pasty white and doughy-fat, and cute. Me? Not so much of the cute part there.
These shoutouts are indirect thankyous. So many times people beat around the bush. "I need to lose weight." "I hate how I look." "I need to exercise more." "I overeat." I think those are polite but generic ways of acknowledging something mildly annoying.
What is really true in most cases are super-heightened senses of pissed-off-ed-ness or anger or desperation.
When they say, "I need to lose weight," that really means, "I can't effing stand feeling fat and disgusting," and "I can't believe I've been this fat for this long."
When they say, "I hate how I look," they really mean, "I hate how I look dressed, naked, in the dark, in the light, under fluorescent lights, in a full length mirror, in a compact mirror..."
When they say, "I overeat," they say, "I am embarassed that I eat like a starved slaughterhouse hog."
At least, that's what I mean when I say the socially acceptable hackneyed phrases. Looking in a full-length mirror in a stage of undress makes me border on nervous breakdown. Looking at new pictures and trying to edit out my cleavage line (no lie) and seeing my face hiding under layers of fat. I sort of had cheekbones and a jaw line. Now I have a blob with crows feet.
So in my case, I need to be honest. It is 11:30, I didn't exercise tonight, and I am about to eat my 2nd plate of spaghetti as a late-night snack. I ate 2 plates of spaghetti, a peanut butter sandwich, and a bowl of soup earlier.
I am frustrated. I can't afford to go work out 3 times this week. I am hoping my check posts early so I can at least do it once this week. I am only working 8-12 hours a week at work. I am stressed out over the gross loss of pay and wondering how we will pay bills, how I will afford gas -- let alone gas for exercise and money for classes. I am with my son a considerable amount more, which is sometimes taxing but not so much. However, now that I am already stressed over the income situation, and I am at home more, I am stressed by his exuberance and constant demand for attention. Exercise is a great time for me to get away from my house 2 hours, burn some calories, but more importantly burn off all the anxious energy I amass over such a short period of time. Stress + less money + more time at home + less time alone + less exercise + more stress at home = eat, eat, eat.
I am hoping this is a temporary thing, that I will find an additional (or a new!) job. I am down to 174 pounds and holding steady. I don't want to lose the ground I've gained this far. I do want to continue to exercise, somehow.
I am going to take some new pictures to update from the last picture I posted.
But for now, spaghetti is calling me.
Thank you for the shout, love. I took a photo of myself in a bathing suit, once. I threw up when I looked at it and then never wore a bathing suit in public again.
ReplyDeleteThere're enough scalloped potatoes in these thighs to feed a standing-room-only potluck crowd at St. Pat's in NYC.
If you think you could find the space/peace/privacy to work out at the house, I like these two videos a LOT:
Target Specifics Jennifer Kries is the instructor and is very NOT annoying. You WILL be in pain the next day. I promise. You need small 1-3-pound weights for it. It has four separate parts. I usually do 3/4. If I do the Hips AND Thighs section on the same workout night, I can't walk the next day.
Target Specifics: Stability Ball You need one of those big exercise balls to do this one, but again... ow? Your abs will HATE you.
Just because I posted pictures, do not think for a second that I didn't have a bit of a hysterical temper tantrum after taking them. I am so unhappy with the way I look... but taking the pics and posting them side by side with the "old" me was a way to hold myself accountable. Look at what I did before! I lost weight the same year I had an infant. How could I do it back then and not do it now, when he's 4 and so fiercly independent?
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I hear you on the financial crunch affecting everything. I eat when I am stressed, and financial stuff always has me stressed, so put two and two together and you get 6 brownies, 1 pint of soy peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, and a handrul of M&Ms taken from the kids at my work. Even with Adam and I both working full time, it is tough right now. We got behind over the holidays and still haven't caught up - right now we're playing the "what utility is next up to be shut off" paying game. It's fannnntastic. I am fortunate enough that the gym Ker & I have been going to is only $10 a month, which we can swing if we really try, and I have been paying individually for my Zumba classes instead of paying the lump sum because I simply don't have the lump sum to hand over right now. It's easier to scrounge together loose change from the bottom of my car.
However, I keep telling myself that if I can't control ANYTHING else in my life right now - I CAN control my body. I can control how much I put into my mouth and what exactly it is. I can control how much time I spend sitting on the couch versus exercising. And you can too. In this ONE way, we can be in charge, and that is an empowering way to look at it in my opinion.
If you're interested, I put together my own home-workout of Zumba on youtube... search for it using my youtube name: MizTeacher22. It's effective and it takes less than 45 minutes. If you can find a little space and a few minutes, it's better than nothing. And I won't even charge you. ;)
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