Russian Roulette

This Friday I will be making a trip into the doctor for a regularly scheduled checkup. Maybe I'll have testicular acne? What about unsightly nostril syndrome? I could be dying right now and not even know it.

You & I both know that the scariest part of the trip to the doctor's office is the scale. The doctor's scale isn't like your scale and my scale. It doesn't get pushed around on the floor and collect hairballs. It doesn't look at naked people jumping on and off of it like it's a pogo stick hoping for an exciting number to pop up.

Oh no. The scale at the doctor's office is a professional, top of the line model. No more of the weights and the slides and the tapping and the balancing. This is a developed-by-nasa, effective-to-one-bazillionth-of-a-pound modern marvel. It has a digital readout with decimal points and everything. It may tell you your weight in kilograms to try and insult your conversion skills. Stepping on that baby is even worse mental pressure than Russian roulette because you know there is a round in every chamber. And you know they have to be 100% accurate because if they are inaccurate even to 1/2 of a percentage and give an incorrect reading, a kitten is killed. No lie!

Truthfully, what are the chances that when I go there on Friday the scale will be broken? Hmm? That's what I thought.

Historically the scale at the doctor's office is about 2lbs over my home scale. And no, it's not because I have clothes on at the doctor's office and I'm butt nekkid at home. It just is that way.

In addition to the regular mind-f*ck of the doctor scale vs. the home scale, at my medical building there are 2 floors. Mmm hmm, you know what that means. One scale on each floor.


Are the upstairs and downstairs scales calibrated to read the exact same weight? Is there like a central processing unit that they're both hard-wired into so it's impossible to get a different weight. Would I be a freak if I asked to go step on the other scale on the way out? Wait, what if according to the upstairs scale I was 100lbs but according to the downstairs scale I'm 105lbs?! Shit! No, don't get on the other scale. Just one. But wait, the downstairs scale could say I'm skinnier! Wait, what if the upstairs scale thinks I'm heavier because there is more gravity upstairs? Aaaaa!!

Can you tell I'm already psych-ing myself out about this? I mean some of it is enhanced for theatrical purposes, but there is a real anxiety for the time when I have to go ditch the shoes and face the music on the digital readout. In August when I was there, I weighed 192lbs. In August of 2008, I was 153lbs. Boy it's hard to see that on a graph. In a period of 3 months I gained 20lbs. In a year, I gained 40.

Maybe tomorrow I can share the "error message" story with you. And unlike this story, the error message story is un-enhanced. It has not yet been rated. Viewer discretion will be advised.